When it’s not raining men, golden showers will do. A dossier on Donald Trump’s dealings with Russia may not all be true, but it sure feels “truthy.”
On Tuesday night, we reported on some classified documents shown to President Barack Obama and the president-elect that contained some rather alarming reports from Russian spies on Mein Trumpf’s financial and, erm, personal activities. Make that very personal. And gross.
The good news from the report by U.S. intelligence is, although the Kremlin cultivated Donald Trump for five years, he declined “various sweetener real estate business deals offered him in Russia.” The bad news is he may have taken some other unsavory favors that involved Russian prostitutes giving him “golden showers”: slang for peeing on or in front of him.
“According to Source D, where sh/he had been present, TRUMP’s (perverted) conduct in Moscow included hiring the presidential suite of the Ritz Carlton Hotel, where he knew President and Mrs. OBAMA (whom he hated) had stayed on one of their official trips to Russia, and defiling the bed where they had slept by employing a number of prostitutes to perform a ‘golden showers’ (urination) show in front of him.”
Although reporters have not been able to verify the golden showers story, this and other activities were likely caught on video.
“The hotel was known to be under FSB [a Russian spy agency.] control with microphones and concealed cameras in all the main rooms to record anything they wanted to.”
Another U.S. intelligence source confirmed the incident at the Moscow Ritz Carlton and says s/he believes ithappened in 2013.
“Source E provided an introduction for a company ethnic Russian operative to Source F, a female staffer at the hotel when TRUMP had stayed there, who also confirmed the story.”
Oh, but wait. It turns out the golden shower isn’t the only thing the Kremlin’s got on Donald Trump.
“Speaking separately in June 2016, Source B (the former top-level Russian intelligence officer) asserted that TRUMP’s unorthodox behavior in Russia over the years had provided the authorities there with enough embarrassing material on the now Republican presidential candidate to be able to blackmail him if they so wished.”
According to CNN, Russia gathered intelligence against both the Democrats and the GOP, but wound up only targeting Hillary Clinton and the Democrats. The report also states Donald Trump’s team and operatives from Russia exchanged information throughout the campaign.
The top 20 most clever tweets about Donald Trump’s (alleged!) “golden showers.”
1. “He who has the gold makes the rules.”
— Joe Giglio (@JoeGiglioSports) January 11, 2017
2. Get it? PEE-OTUS?!?!
— Erik T. (@CheeseWeasel70) January 11, 2017
3. Donald Trump’s golden showers put “tinkle down” theory in a whole new light.
I believe him now when he says he knows how trickle-down economics work. #GoldenShowers pic.twitter.com/XcopTJ6Jcq
— bennydiegø ✯ (@bennydiego) January 11, 2017
4. Golden showers? That’s just “locker room stuff.”
https://twitter.com/LandEel/status/818969865134440448
5. Sweet nectar of the gods!
https://twitter.com/DCHomos/status/819029761557229568
6. A golden shower? Is there any other kind?
Are there any other kind? #GoldenShowers pic.twitter.com/oxUZvURo9u
— Donald J. Drumpf (@RealDonalDrumpf) January 11, 2017
7. #GoldenShowers may explain why Donald Trump is so orange.
https://twitter.com/harper1_jn/status/819042303301939200
8. “We’re going to build a stall, and Mexico is going to pay for it.”
"We're going to build a stall, and Mexico is going to pay for it" #GoldenShowers
— Frankp (@FrankJPaladino) January 11, 2017
9. “Urine trouble” now, Donald Trump. Big trouble.
https://twitter.com/astronomerleo/status/819042185643491328
10. Donald Trump didn’t even hire American hookers for those golden showers
Typical, Trump didn't even hire American hookers.#GoldenShowers #MAGA? #Trumputin #Trump
— Ayana (@flowerpower69) January 11, 2017
11. About that inaug-urination…
"Hey Donald, what are your plans for your urine-augurat-"#goldenshowers pic.twitter.com/y0ASi4mZcu
— Denizcan James (@MrFilmkritik) January 11, 2017
12. Every cloud has a silver lining…
The only thing that gives me hope in the future of humanity is that #ObamaFarewell is trending above #goldenshowers right now.
— (((Michael Temkin))) (@michaeltemkin) January 11, 2017
13. “If I was an American flag, I’d be burning myself at this point.”
If I was an American flag, I'd be burning myself at this point. Thankfully #Trump might be there to put me out. #Peeotus #goldenshowers
— Nick Ruggia (@nickruggia) January 11, 2017
14. When the Russians hand you lemons, make “Lemonade.”
When Trump can't respond to all the memes individually so he drops his response album. #GoldenShowers pic.twitter.com/i6BHXQu3G8
— Travon Free (@Travon) January 11, 2017
15. We’ll sure miss the “Barry and Joe” show.
"Joe you can't just mutter 'peetus' under your breath when we meet him"
"I don't see why not. Peetus. It's his name."#GoldenShowers pic.twitter.com/mTZ0V0KI5g— Oliver Willis (@owillis) January 11, 2017
16. There’s no “I” in team, but there is a “Pee” in Trump.
You can't spell TRUMP without a "Pee." #GoldenShowers
— Tea Pain (@TeaPainUSA) January 11, 2017
17. Dear Trump trolls, “turns out that wasn’t liberal tears you were drinking.”
https://twitter.com/markywjasper/status/819038178443202560
18. We can’t wait for the next “Saturday Night Live.”
SNL writers right now. #GoldenShowers #ObamaFarewell pic.twitter.com/TOjX6aqJzA
— Jake Goldstein-Street (@GoldsteinStreet) January 11, 2017
19. “Nobody has more respect for women.”
https://twitter.com/bill_auclair/status/819002773303803904
20. And Republicans are worried about explaining gay marriage?
Trump voters who were concerned about explaining gay marriage to their children realizing they have to explain #GoldenShowers now pic.twitter.com/FLPgAkeWCq
— Mike T (@majtague) January 11, 2017
As Donald Trump would say…”Sad.”
The dichotomy couldn't be more stark: The class, eloquence & dignity of #ObamaFarewell contrasted w/ Trump drenched in piss. #GoldenShowers.
— Bill Madden (@activist360) January 11, 2017
Read: U.S. intelligence report on Donald Trump’s alleged golden shower incident and Russia’s plans to blackmail him.
Featured image/composite with photos: cc 2016 Terodius via Wikimedia Commons (Donald Trump); cc 2011 Valerii Tkachenko via Wikimedia Commons (Red Square, Moscow); and golden showers added. A version of this article ran on Freakout Nation.